8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.
There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn't happen.
I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.
I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.
That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.
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Αυτογνωσία. Επίπονη διαδικασία. Θα μοσχοβολήσει το κορμάκι σου. Χωρίς πολλά λόγια.
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Διαβάζοντας όλα αυτά, ίσως να αρχίσεις και εσύ να σκέφτεσαι ότι ο χορός του Ζαλόγγου δεν είναι διόλου δυσκολότερος από τα βήματα του Ησαϊα.
Αλλά γα να σοβαρευτώ, δεν ξέρω κανέναν που να πέθανε από γάμο. Αντιθέτως ξέρω πολλούς που πεθαίνουν καθημερινά από μοναξιά και ανασφάλεια και κυνηγούν τη σκιά τους.
Το "ποτέ" και το "πάντα" δεν είναι παρά μικρές στιγμές υπέρβασης του εαυτού.
Τελικά το πρόβλημά μας είναι ότι σκεφτόμαστε πολύ και αναλύουμε τη ζωή αντί να τη ζούμε.
Και σκέφτομαι πολύ τελευταία.
Και μοιραία μου ήρθαν στο μυαλό τα λόγια του Χατζιδάκι.
"Oποιος χαϊδεύει το πέος του δεν πάει να πει πως κατ’ ανάγκην αυνανίζεται. Μπορεί και να σκέφτεται. Αλλά, κι όποιος πάλι χαϊδεύει το πέος του δεν σημαίνει πως σκέφτεται. Μπορεί, και μάλλον, αυνανίζεται."
Και δε θέλω να μαλακίζομαι άλλο. Και όχι, το ότι δεν έχω πέος δεν είναι δικαιολογία.
Μπορεί να ξέσκισα λιγάκι μια πραγματικότητα που για πολλούς είναι η πεμπτουσία της ζωής. Αλλά αν δεν κάνεις τη σοβαρότητα ένα μεγάλο αστείο, θα σε καταπιεί.
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